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SNAKIES/1000 HUSTLERS/ZAMBIA

LE ROADSHOW CAFE 1976 / HARD LUCK CABARET: 1977

SNAKIES

THREE BORED SNAKE CHARMERS SITTING IN A ROW

ALL Bong bong la-la bong bong la la,

Bong bong la la bong bong la la…

ONE I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with ‘T’.

TWO T. T, Now let me see, uhhhh…

THREE To-o-o-ristl

ALL IMMEDIATELY ALERT. GREAT BURST OF ENERGY.

ALL Bong bong la la bong bong la la. Bong bong la la bong bong la la,

THREE HEADS MOVE IN UNISON AS TOURIST MOVES PAST

Bong bong la la bong bong la la.

SONG SLOWS DOWN AS TOURIST DISAPPEARS

Bong bong la la bang bong… la….

SILENCE

ONE Shit.

TWO What happened to the snake?

THREE I dunno.

ONE Maybe it’s asleep. Hasn’t been charmed for a while. Ay Snake! Wake up, snake!

TWO Ooh ooh, snake…

THREE He couldn’t be stoned could he?

TWO She. She couldn’t be stoned.

THREE Snakes can’t get stoned, can they?

ONE Yes, they serpently can. There’s an expression.

THREE I think he’s dead.

TWO She – she’s dead.

THREE Do you think it’s dead?

ONE Snake, are you dead?

TWO Ooooh ooooh.

THREE Wake up, snake…

TWO She’s dead.

THREE Dead.

ONE Shit.

TWO Business’ll slip…

THREE What’s a snake charmer without a snake?

ONE An’ three mouths to feed.

TWO How much did we make today?

THREE Four dirham.

ONE Four dirham?

THREE You heard.

TWO That’s only $1.25 at today’s exchange rates.

THREE Not exactly gonna put us up at the Marrakech Hilton, no.

ONE $1.25 and a dead snake,

TWO Snakess.

THREE We could stick a wire up his burn an’ I could work a pedal.,

TWO An’ what about her fangs?

ONE What?

TWO Her fangs, her fangs…

THREE You know, the fangs, darting little pricks of death, you know, the excitement, the razz-ma-tazz…

TWO Showbusiness…

ONE Why don’t we…. tie a string to the fangs an’ tie the other end to my flute an’ when I play I’ll lift my flute surreptitiously

TWO Cobrette,

THREE I’ve just had an idea.,

ONE What?

Two Cobrette. Cobrette. A rearing cobrette.

ONE Fark.

THREE Hollow out his fangs an’ attach a tube an’ blow up it’s bum to inflate…

ONE Lissen, son of Fatima, why don’t you just get used to the idea that it’s finished,

PAUSE

TWO Well.,

THREE Well,.

ONE Might as well…

TWO Vamoose….

THREE Piss off….

PAUSE

ONE It’s been great workin’ with you….

TWO Do it again, sometime…

THREE See ya around.,

PAUSE AS THEY STAND UP, MOVE AWAY ONE BY ONE.

ONE Adios, amigos…

TWO Suraba, Johnny…

THREE Yeah. See ya.

ONE AND TWO LEAVE IN SEPARATE DIRECTIONS

THREE TENDERLY PICKS UP THE DEAD AND FLOPPY SNAKE

SOFT, SAD FLUTE PLAYS AS HE EXITS

SLOW BLACKOUT.

 

1000 HUSTLERS

Comfortable? Feelin’ good? You wan’ come on little trip wiz me? C’mon Australia, watchoo waitin for eh? You jus’ come along wiz me all safe, no money, anywhere you wan’ go we go, anythin’ you wan’ see, we see, anythin’ you wan’… unnerstand? Come on Australia, whatchoo waiting for eh? You got worries eh? You got problems?

You wan’ good livin’? We got good livin’, whateva you wan’, Abdul he gets it for you – whatchoo say, eh? carmon Australia, whatchoo say eh? You say go, we go. You say stop. We stop. You say Australia, you say. Alla free, No money. No profit. I take no money for myself, mista, jusque for plaisir, m’sieur; jusque for plaisir

Scu me…my friend. You want help? You have problem? My name Ahmed. What your name? Whassamatter? Why you not talk to me? Don’t you speak Inglish somethin’? You like Morocco? I am Moroccan. Very nice place. You like Marrakech? I take you see Casbah, Berber markets, oh no, my friend, I no hassler, friend. I am student. Just want to speak with you. No money. Just speak Inglish with you. I am student, not hassler, oh no, sir, not hassler. I know very many people say Moroccan hassler, I know. Ahmed no hassler. I help you, show you casbah, Berber market, speaking English alla time — very good. Verrrry good. Good for you, good for me. What you say?

Hey mista, you want hash, kif, opium, heroin, hash cookies, opium tea, cocaine? Psssssst Heeey mista You want hashish, marijuana, cookies, cocaiñe? Héeey mista You wan’ a chicken? – – Turkish chickens? What you doin’ mista, all alone? You wan’ go fuckie with me? Heeeey mista… Don’ walk away…heeeey mista… 

I love you. You one angel. Every day, I pray you into my shop, you very beauty. You one angel. Every day you smile, all time smile, you very happy angel. You angel of happiness, you angel of smiling. Now what you wanna buy? Djellaba, Poof, Caftan, cape, cushion cover, blanket, shirt, carpet, jewellery, rings, necklace, leather bags? Heeey angel, where you goin’, eh?

Ohhhh, babee, you look so good, you come inns my shop anna try on special Moroccan dresses, you so beautiful babee, you come inns shop, I got a hard-on lookin’ at you babee You got tits like a ostrich eggs, babee, come here: Ohhhh, baybee…

Whaasamatter you no like Moroccans? You racist something? You no like Moroccan black skin? Not black, only light brown. Light brown. ‘The quality of mercy is not strained, it droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven’. Shakespeare. British. I speak very good English. ‘To be, or not to be, that is the question’. No? Fuck you tourist.

*

ZAMBIA

ONE Pssssst Pssssst! Eh! Allo! M’sieur!
TWO Wha.. ?
ONE M’sieur, I ‘ave great idea!
TWO Wha…?
ONE Oh yeah, M’sieur, is very great idea. You know this girl she ‘ave sleeps in this room next to yours?
TWO mmm hmm..
ONE Bad room, bad room. Very small. No shower.
TWO Go on…
ONE Well, M’sieur, I ‘ave this great idea. You say to her, you say, hey chickie, heeeey chickie, heeeeeeey chickie..
TWO Go on..
ONE Heeey chickie, you say, you wan’ come in my room, have shower?
TWO Yes…
ONE You wan’ come in my rooms have shower., sleep bed with me?
TWO What?
ONE She comes M’sieur, I sure she come..
TWO You’re out of your mind.
ONE Oh, no M’sieur, mind here, in head. Very smart.
TWO But…
ONE No worries. She tourist girl, only stay one more night, tourist girl, very beauty, very great beauty. Like you.
TWO Now, look.,
ONE She come, I know…
TWO But I haven’t even seen the woman..
ONE No worries. I get her. I tell her you want see her in your room..
TWO No no, I..
ONE An’ she come in, an’ you show her shower, an’ she look in shower an’ she takka alla clotheses off, an’ you say, ‘Heeeey, chickie, you wan’ come in my bed. ?‘ an’ she get in, an’ you begin to makka loooove to her – an’ I get in bed an’ watch.
TWO What!
ONE Big bed, M’sieur, big bed, no worries. What you say?
TWO No.
ONE She very great beauty, M’sieur, black hair, brown eyes, big knockles, very good. I get her…
TWO No.
ONE You pass up opportunity of a lifetime. Tourist girl. Big knockles. O.K. You one big stupid dumb bum mista.
TWO What makes you so cure she’ll do what you say.. ?
ONE I ask her,
TWO What did she say?
ONE She say yes.She very good lady. Tourist girl. Very hot. Verrry hot.
TWO Where’s she from?
ONE Zambia.
TWO Jeezes christ!
ONE Allah be praised,
TWO You mean she’s coloured?
ONE You coloured, She normal.
TWO I don’t think I could.
ONE Not just coloured, M’sieur. Pygmy. Different,
TWO You want me to fuck a black dwarf?
ONE Not fock, M’siour, makka lo-o-ove, makka lo-o-ove. Very cheap,
TWO You mean I have to pay as well!
ONE Not for girl, Girl free.
TWO What for?

ONE The film.
TWO What?
ONE For the camera.
TWO What?
ONE Click click. I makka ver-r-ry good Polaroid. Under blanket. With flash.
TWO My god..
ONE Makka ver-r-ry good price.
TWO What?
ONE Sell in market. Black dwarf meets white tourist, Ver-r-ry good price.
TWO No.
ONE You take half profit. Fifty percent.
TWO No.
ONE O.K. Sixty percent.
TWO No.
ONE Sixty five.
TWO No,
ONE Last price. Seventy percent.
TWO Last answer. No,
ONE Seventy five?
TWO No.
ONE Jerk you off for fifty cents?
TWO Forty.
ONE Forty five.
TWO Done.
THEY SHAKE HANDS
BLACKOUT