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NIJINSKY/DOREEN/GIGI LAMOUR

NIJINSKY

I danced with Nijinsky A pas de deux – with Nijinsky.

Of course I was much taller then, and slim; I was as slim as a stalk of asparagus. He lifted me way, way up into the air, right above his head, flying I was, really felt like I was flying… and then I pooped my pants.

Well, at first I didn’t know what was happening, there was just this loud fart… and then this gentle, fine spray of little dark droplets started to cover everything, started to run in little brown rivers down the inside of my tu—tu.

The turds just hung there on the hem, like those little, sleeping bats, dropping off, one by one, onto Nijinsky’s epaulettes. And runny, runny like you wouldn’t believe. 

There was another explosion, A direct hit this time, all over the stage, the scenery, running out of my ballet shoes. Well, I said to myself, well Shirl – that’s my name – well I said, now you’re really in the pooh.

You may laugh, but I want you to know that this is an entirely true story. Nijinsky slipped in the turds, bringing me crashing to the ground and breaking my neck, rendering me a crippled ballerina with only limited use of my legs with the aid of a stick.

It is, in fact, only by the magic of the theatre that you see me as I once was – the ballerina that pooped on Nijinsky!

DOREEN DWARF 

DOREEN 

Hello kiddies: Remember me? Hi, boys an’ girls! Remember me? Oooh oooh Remember me? Come on, do you remember… what you used to do? Come on… no, that’s not right, you don’t remember, do you? Oh, well, that’s all right, don’t be upset, I forgive you, little kiddies have short little memories, I understand. Tell you what,. I’ll go back off stage and turn around and come back on again and this time you see if you remember what to do. Ready kids? 

EXIT. FANFARE AND ENTRANCE 

Hello kiddies Hi, boys and girls! 

SCATTERED APPLAUSE 

Well, that’s a little bit better, but we can do a Lot better than that now, can’t we? Now, don’t forget, I’ll go off and come back on again and this time don’t you forget to clap your Little Happy properly or I’ll be very upset and angry and set the wicked witch on you to cast her evil spell on you and turn you into little people too, and we wouldn’t want that to happen, now would we…? Little cunts. 

EXIT. FANFARE AND ENTRANCE 

Hello kiddies! Hi, boys and girls! 

WILD APPLAUSE 

Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go, oooh, you’re wonderful, really you are, who would have thought, after all these years, ohhhh. Dead shits. Twenty three years I played that part for Mister Rudas, twenty three years treading the boards with the same show, nearly ten thousand performances, all over Australia and the South East Asian countries, twenty three years and ten thousand performances.. what a waste of fuckin’ time. Oh, but Snow White would never have been the same without her Little Happy. I was the favorite. Every performance I’d run out on stage as fast as my chubby Little legs’d carry me, ‘Hi, kiddies’ I’d call out; ‘Hello boys and girls’ and a cheer would go up, raise the roof of the theatre. 

‘Hello Happy:’ the Little cunts’d call out, ‘Hello Happy!’ And laugh, you’ve never heard anything Like it, all those little faces, lookin’ up and laughin’… at me. 

Hi kiddies! I’d call out, ‘hi kiddies! 

Laugh at my deformity, would ya? 

‘Hi, kiddies’ I’d call out, ‘Hi, kiddies… ‘ 

Little kiddies grow up, you know, Little kiddies grow up. 

You didn’t remember me. You didn’t remember who I was. You cunts’d clap a funeral if I told you to: I was the star! I was the favorite! Twenty three years! Twenty three fuckin’ years I put up with you bastards laughin’ at me: you’re the cripples! You’ve got the fuckin’ deformity: come on – laugh at the cripple dwarf – spastic! 

When I was a kiddie I was perfectly formed. I was perfectly formed and as pretty as a picture; as pretty as pretty as pretty could be – and then I stopped growing. 

I’ve got too old for Snow White now. I don’t do much work anymore – there’s nothing funny about a sixty year old dwarf – and I don’t like the circus.

Oh, well, that’s life. 

Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go… hi ho, hi ho, hi…

*

GIGI

Vonce I vas ze star of ze Cabaret Voltaire. Vonce I vas ze glamoreuz Gigi Lamour. Alone I stood zere, nakked, een my berzday zooty, staruk-nakked, zee glamoreuze assistant to ze ameus Maestro Miraculeuse, magicien extra-ordinaire.

See se disappearing danceuze! Zat was me. See ze floating lady! Zat was me. See ze beautiful lady cut in ‘alf…

Ze curse o hashish as done ze dirty on me. Eeet eees ze droggies ‘as ruine my life.
Eeet eez ze droggies ‘as cut me off – in my prime.

Zat night, zat terrible,night ze Majestro, ee was, ‘ow I say, off is ‘ead. I say to him, ’Oooh majestro, doncha smoka da droggies, doncha smoka da droggies, I say, donchoo smoka da droggies…

An’ ee ‘as gone an’ done it an’ ee ‘as boggered eet up.

Ee ‘as cut off my leggies vis a Mc.Culloch mini Mac.

An’ my leggies ‘as fall off. Plop.

Look close atta me; look close – zis is your destiny if you takka da droggies. I am livin’ proof of za damage ze droggies ‘ave done. Plop is my leggies.

Eet is not funny.

Neffer, netter, takka da droggies. Ozzervise your leggies fall off. Plop. Zis I believe.

BLACKOUT