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HARRY/SHIRL/HARMONY

The SHORTS Project

HARRY

SHIRL Haarry! Haaaaa — rreeeeee! Harry, ya fat prick! Get the fuck down here, Harry! Harry? Fuckin’ hell, Harry! Get yer arse down here! Jeeses Christ, you big, bloated bastard, get the fuck down here!

HARRY ENTERS, TAKES HIS TIME, SITS DOWN.

PAUSE

HARRY Did ya want me, Shirl?

SHIRL I haven’t been screamin’ me tits off far the last ten minutes for fun, Harry.

HARRY No, Shirl.

SHIRL Harry?

HARRY Yes Shirl?

SHIRL What’ve you bin doing?

HARRY What, Shirl?

SHIRL What’ve you bin doin’, Harry?

HARRY What, Shirl?

SHIRL What the fuck’ve you bin doin’, Harry?

HARRY Where, Shirl?

SHIRL Upstairs, dumb bum, upstairs, Harry.

HARRY Upstairs, love?

SHIRL Up – fuckin’- stairs, Harry!

PAUSE

HARRY Jerkin’ off.

PAUSE

SHIRL What?

HARRY Jerkin’ off.

SHIRL What?

HARRY Masturbation, Shirl.

SHIRL Masturbation, Harry?

HARRY Masturbation, Shirl.

SHIRL Self—pollution, Harry?

HARRY Oh, no, Shirl.

SHIRL What, Harry?

HARRY I used a tissue,

SHIRL What Harry?

HARRY Ta make a mess, ya clean it up, Personal hygiene, Shirl,

SHIRL But why Harry?

HARRY It stains.

SHIRL No, Harry…

HARRY Yes, it does, Shirl…

SHIRL No, Harry..

HARRY Stains.

SHIRL How could ya do that to me?

HARRY I did it to me. Shirl.

SHIRL No, Harry, tell me why?

HARRY Why what, Shirl?

SHIRL Why… jerk…?

HARRY Don’cha know, Shirl?

SHIRL No, Harry, I don’t.

HARRY Guess.

PAUSE

SHIRL I can’t.

HARRY Why not, Shirl?

SHIRL Because… well…

HARRY Well what, Shirl?

SHIRL Well…

HARRY Go on, Shirl..

HARRY Got what, Shirl?

SHIRL You’ve got… me.

PAUSE

HARRY What for, Shirl?

SHIRL Well…

HARRY What for, Shirl?

SHIRL Well… for relief.

PAUSE

HARRY What Shirl?

SHIRL Relief…

HARRY What, Shirl?

SHIRL Relief, Harry…

HARRY What, Shifl?

SHIRL Relief, Harry, re-fuckin’-lief!

PAUSE

HARRY What kind of relief, Shirl?

SHIRL HESITATES, SHE POINTS AT HIS CRUTCH

HARRY Ya found it, Shirl.

SHIRL So why, Harry, why…?

SHE POINTS AT HIS CRUTCH AGAIN

HARRY ‘Cos fuckin’ you gives me the shits, Shirl.

SHIRL What, Harry?

HARRY The screamin’ shits, Shirl]..

SHIRL What, Harry?

HARRY Like fuckin’ a cheese cake,

SHIRL Like what, Harry?

HARRY Like fuckin’ a cheese cake, Shirl,

SHIRL Are you hungry, Harry?

HARRY No, Shirl, not at all.

SHIRL Oh.

HARRY Well…

SHIRL Well, Harry..

HARRY Well, Shirl…

PAUSE

SHIRL Do ya love me Harry?

HARRY No, Shirl.

SHIRL Oh.

HARRY Not at all.

SHIRL I love Harry.. .even if you do… jerk.

HARRY Even if I jerk, Shirl?

SHIRL Yes, Harry, even if you… jerk.

HARRY Tough.

PAUSE

I’m gojn’ now Shirl.

SHIRL What, Harry?

HARRY I’m goin’,

SHIRL Where, Harry?

HARRY Upstairs, Shirl.

SHIRL Oh, Harry, you’re not going to…

HARRY No, Shirl.

SHIRL Then why, Harry?

HARRY Finish packin’,

SHIRL Finish packing, Harry?

HARRY Finish packin’, Shirl.

SHIRL Then before,. ?

HARRY Yes, Shirl?

SHIRL You weren’t…?

HARRY What, Shirl?

SHIRL You weren’t…?

HARRY What, Shirl?

SHIRL You weren’t… jerkin’?

HARRY No, Shirl, I was packin’.

SHIRL You weren’t jerkin’.

HARRY I’m leaving you, Shirl.

SHIRL Oh, I’m so glad..

HARRY I’m goin’ upstairs now, Shirl.,

SHIRL You’ve got me, haven’t you..

HARRY Shirl…?

SHIRL For relief…

HARRY Did you hear what I said, Shirl?

SHIRL I’m so glad…

HARRY I’m leavin’, Shirl..

SHIRL Yes, love…

HARRY I’m goin’ now..

SHIRL Yes, love. I’m so much happier now, the thought of you.. jerkin’.. when you’ve got me – I couldn’t bear it. You’ve got me…

HARRY EXITS QUIETLY, UNNOTICED.

haven’t you, love? Haven’t you, sweetheart? For relief. Ohh, I’m so glad. You’ve got me. Haven’t you, love..

SHE TURNS, NOTICES HARRY HAS GONE.

Haven’t you… sweetheart?

Harry?

Harry… ?

 

SHORTS 1974, the SHORTS project 1975

SHIRLEEN

 

HARRY Shirl…?

SHIRL Yes, Harry?

HARRY Will you marry me?

SHIRL What, Harry?

HARRY Will you marry me?

SHIRL Will I what, Harry?

HARRY Will you marry me?

SHIRL No.

HARRY But, Shirl…

SHIRL But nothing, Harry, I am not going to marry you, Ever.

HARRY Ever, Shirl?

SHIRL Ever, Harry.

HARRY Oh, shit,

SHIRL What, Harry?

HARRY Sorry,.

SHIRL How could I marry a man who swears?

HARRY Dunno, Shirl.

SHIRL Well,,

HARRY I could stop swearin’, Shirl…

SHIRL Nah, ya couldn’t, Harry…

HARRY Yes, I could, Shirl.

shirl Go on then.

HARRY What?

SHIRL Now. Stop.

PAUSE

HARRY See, Shirl. I stopped.

SHIRL Good,

HARRY Now will .ya marry me?

shirl Don’t push me, Harry..

HARRY Sorry, SHIRL,.

SHIRL That’s better,.

HARRY Shirl ?

SHIRL Yes, Harry?

HARRY Will ya marry me?

SHIRL I might..

HARRY Oh, Shirl..

SHIRL An’ then I might not.

HARRY But..

SHIRL Don’t count yer chickens before they hatch, Harry.

HARRY A stitch in time saves nine.

SHIRL What?

HARRY A stitch…

SHIRL I heard you, Harry…

HARRY Well..

SHIRL You’re talkin’ shit, Harry.

HARRY Shit, Shirl?

SHIRL Ya swore, Harry  

HARRY Uh…

SHIRL I said I couldn’t marry a man that swore, Harry.

HARRY You said shit, Shirl,

SHIRL Ya did it again!

HARRY You said that word Shirl.

SHIRL No, I never, Harry.

HARRY I heard you. With my ears.

SHIRL I never, Harry. I’d never say a word like that.

HARRY Shirl, yer a turd.

SHIRL Oh, Harry…

HARRY A big, fat, steaming turd.

SHIRL  Don’t you dare talk to me like that, Harry, or I’ll..

HARRY What’ll ya do, shit fa brains?

SHIRL I’ll… I’ll… kill meself, that’s what I’ll do…

HARRY Go on,

SHIRL I will. Kill meself.

HARRY Be my guest.

SHIRL I’ll drown meself!

HARRY  Turds float.

 

HARMONY

 

MAN Come ‘ere, Come ‘ere, y’old bag, come ‘ere.,

WOMAN Whaffor?

MAN Givus a kiss.

WOMAN I wouldn’t kiss you if you was me own mother.

MAN Your mother wouldn’t kiss anybody,

WOMAN She wouldn’t kiss you, that’s for sure,

MAN An’ why not?

WOMAN ‘Cos you’re dirty, you’re dirty, you’re a dirty, filthy idiot.

MAN I am not.

WOMAN You stink!

MAN I..

WOMAN You stink! You stinking idiot, you stinkin’ idiot!

MAN What’s all this about?

WOMAN I’ll tell you what it’s all about, ya dirty, filthy, stinkin’ old hoon, it’s about you, last night.

MAN What’d I do?

WOMAN You know what you did.

MAN What‘d I do?

WOMAN Out the back. On the verandah, You know what ya did. Dirty fuckin’ hoon.

MAN I never did nothin’,

WOMAN Yes, you did, yes, you fuckin’ well did, I saw you. With me own eyes, I saw you. I got no respect for you.

MAN Why not?

WOMAN Because you’re sex mad, that’s what you are, sex mad.

MAN Now, you listen to me…

WOMAN Why should I listen to you, dead shit, you havn’t said anything interesting for thirty years!

MAN Now, don’t scream,

WOMAN I’ll fuckin’ scream if I want to fuckin’ scream, the fuckin’ wog neighbors can’t understand a fuckin’ word I say, anyway..

MAN Don’t scream so loud.

WOMAN I’ll uckin’ scream as loud as I fuckin’ want! Let the whole world know about, you dirty, stinkin’, filthy, fuckin’ sex maniac! Let the whole world know about you an’ that fuckin’ whore last night! You, fuckin’ her on my verandah I saw you, I saw you.

MAN It’s not your verandah.

WOMAN It’s not what?

NAN You don’t pay the rent,

WOMAN Who do you think you are?

MAN You don’t pay the rent.

WOMAN I hate you.

MAN You don’t pay the rent, you cunt.

WOMAN I hate you, I hate you..

MAN I’ll put you out. I’ll put you out on the streets.

WOMAN I think about you an’ how I hate you. I think about you an’ I feel sick D’you understand, you stupid, deaf old cunt, know why I don’t give you your sex any more, d’you know? ‘Cos I’ve seen you, I’ve seen you, I’ve seen you with Dirty Betty, out there on the verandah. You’re a fucking sex maniac. All you ever think about is sex, It makes me sick. I’ve never seen a randy cunt like you.

MAN Look in a mirror.

WOMAN I look after you. I’ve spent twenty years lookin’ after you. Who takes you down the stairs to the toilet when you come home drunk an’ wet the bed? Who takes you to the toilet, eb? Does Dirty Betty takeyou to the toilet? Does that other boong you’re fucking take you to the toilet? I know about her, too, I know about her…

MAN You ungrateful moll, I give you a beautiful house to live in.

WOMAN This dump! Jeeses, that’s a fuckin’ joke. I wanted a house, you wouldn’t give me a house, we had our chance, we had our chance to get a nice house in Gardenvale, we had our chance and said no.

MAN You just leave me alone.,

WOMAN You’re fuckin’ weak as piss, you fuckin’ weak bastard.

MAN I’ll fuckin’ bash yea..

WOMAN You couldn’t bash a half dead poofta without fuckin’ him first, that’s bow piss-weak you are. I hate this house. I hate this suburb, I hate you.

MAN You stupid, sick cunt.

WOMAN Jeeze, you stink, jeeze you’re dirty, you fucked Dirty Betty on my verandah, you’ll never fuck me again, I’ll tell you now, you’ll never fuck me again

MAN I’ll fuckin’ fuck you if I fuckin’ want to.

WOMAN No, you won’t. No, you fuckin’ well won’t! You’re a pervert! You know what that means? A pervert? Ho-mo-sex-ual. I hate you. I fuckin’ well hte you. I never want you after what I saw on that verandah.

MAN Well, Dirty Betty didn’t complain, she enjoyed it.

WOMAN Stick a fuckin’ witchetty grub up her cunt an’ she’d enjoy it. Why don’t you go out now, see if you can find her again, sleepin’ it off down some fuckin’ alley, slip her a quid an’ stick that filthy, dirty, stinkin’, runt prick of yours up her black bum.

Every night of the week I’m supposed to be with you, give you your sex, hld back the vomit when you come near me knowin’ you’ve just been up some drunken abo tart down the road. Stinkin’ bastard. Pervert. Poofta! Poofta!

HE GOES TO STRIKE HER, SHE BLOCKS HIS ARM AND LAYS HIM OUT WITH A NEAT UPPERCUT AS THE BELL GOES FOR THE END OF ROUND ONE. SHE SMILES, HOLDS HER HANDS ALOFT IN A VICTORY SIGNAL. BLACKOUT.